Be careful what you wish for....

So I have been here three weeks now and I absolutely love it. Everything seems to be going great. Yet, part of me is still unsettled and still a little unhappy. You all must think I'm a little manic depressive since my last entry was all about how much I love it here and that was less then 24 hours ago. Yeah, this might be a concern....

Just kidding. I think.

It seems like once I hope for something, like to have a great time, or to be in the middle of it all, if I get it, I'm even more unsettled then when I don't get it.

For example, we went out tonight to a river cruise on the Mekong, then out to dinner, and finally a stroll around the night market. A great night I'd say. There were 7 of us. Yet, everytime everyone started to stay in one place, all I wanted to do was walk away and be alone. Yet, as soon as I was alone, all I wanted to do was find everyone else and be with them. Then, if people try to hang out with me when I don't want them too, I actually get physical anxiety. Yet, if I feel them pulling away I get upset.

It doesn't make any sense and its so silly, but when I'm in one of those kinda moods that is how I feel. I think I'm just going through the otherside of the culture shock. Basically there are three stages; love, hate, and then compromise. I fell in love with this place and this experience and everything about it. For three whole weeks, (although it faltered a little at the beginning of last week) I was completely in love with everything. I loved that I had to bike everywhere, I loved the healthy food, I loved everyone on top of each other and around all the time, I loved the partying on the weekends, I loved the country, I loved...well tolerated the food.....I think you get the idea.

Now, I feel the opposite. Everyone wants to do everything together and all I want to do is be alone, even though at the beginning of my stay everyone did everything on their own and I craved togetherness. I can't stand the food, and after eating an asian dinner, ran over to the pizza place to grab a bite of something western. I can't stand how I can't communicate with anyone except the other volunteers. Even the volunteers are hard to communicate with, even the British speaking ones. I overheard three American girls talking earlier today and I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from going over and talking to them, just so I could have that American connection.

Maybe, I'm just feeling a little homesick, maybe the culture shock is going on the downswing, maybe I'm just having a bad day.

I am definately learning alot about myself and how I react to things on this trip. I have a weird notion that others can make me happy or sad, and that is not the case. When I depend on others to make me happy instead of myself, by hoping that something will happen, or hoping something will go right it doesn't give me the desired result. I'm still unhappy, or even worse mad or angry because whatever it was didn't meet my expectations.

The buddhists have it right. I've been learning about Buddhism alot. All the answers are from within(although what are the questions exactly??). They have no external force, from up high or on the earth that can help them, they can only help themselves. They are trying to achieve Nirvana, which we are taught means "the state of wanting nothing", but its a little different that that. You can still have, and still enjoy, but not want anything so bad that it hurts you or makes you angry that you don't have it. You can still have desires, but have them be something that would be nice to have, not something that you NEED.

I do have alot of desires, alot of expectations, alot of things that I think should happen. I think I need to stop that. That's where the suffering comes from. Not that I am going hungry, or wanting in any real way, but just the little struggles I go through are driven by an experience, a person or an idea not meeting the high bar I have set for it.

Luckily on this trip, I haven't set many expectations, and its been amazing. It rivals Disney in its bliss. (and I hope I come back as skinny as I did when I came back from Disney) I am nervous about Vietnam, because its going to be completely different, and I'm worried I'm already forming expectations, but we'll see.

Ok enough rambling. You probably won't hear from me again until Wednesday or Thursday, depending on the Laos trip. Yeah, we really have no set itenerary, we'll just see where the wind blows us I guess.